How to Reclaim Your Agency When Life Hijacks Your Sense of Control
Today, something happened that almost hijacked me.
The details aren’t important.What matters is what I noticed happening inside me.
I could feel my body responding before I had fully processed what was happening. There was uncertainty. A lack of clarity. Something important was sitting outside my control, and almost immediately I felt that familiar pull towards urgency.
I need to fix this.
I need answers.
I need to do something.
My body had registered a threat before my rational mind had really had the opportunity to examine what was happening.
Then, somewhere in the middle of it, I had a moment of absolute clarity.
I asked myself:
What is actually happening here?
Not what might happen.
Not what I was afraid could happen.
Not what my body was preparing me for.
What was actually happening?
That question changed the direction of my day.
Because I realised two things could be true at exactly the same time.
There was a genuine situation that required my attention.
And my nervous system had become highly activated trying to protect me from it.
Those are not the same thing.
Recognising the difference allowed me to respond to the situation without allowing the situation to own me.
That is where I began to reclaim my agency.
Emotional intelligence starts with ourselves
We often talk about emotional intelligence in leadership as though it is primarily about understanding other people.
Reading the room. Communicating effectively. Managing conflict. Demonstrating empathy. Understanding how our behaviour affects others.
All of that matters.
But some of the most important emotional intelligence we will ever develop happens when nobody else is in the room.
It is the ability to recognise what is happening inside ourselves before our emotions begin making decisions on our behalf.
I wasn’t imagining the problem I faced today.
There were legitimate questions requiring answers.
Telling myself to calm down, stop worrying or you’re probably overreacting would not have been emotional intelligence.
It would have been dismissing what I was experiencing.
Instead, I needed to separate three things:
What had actually happened.
What I was feeling about what had happened.
What I was predicting might happen next.
That distinction changed everything.
Because once I separated the facts from the fear and the fear from the prediction, I could determine what action was actually required.
And that is where agency begins.
Agency isn’t the same as control
We often confuse the two.
We think having agency means controlling what happens next.
But life will repeatedly remind us that we don’t.
People make decisions we cannot control.
Relationships change.
Careers end or take unexpected turns.
People disappoint us.
Our circumstances change.
Plans unravel.
Something we believed was certain suddenly isn’t.
There are seasons when we can do everything “right” and still find ourselves waiting for something outside our control.
For capable, independent people accustomed to solving problems, that can be particularly difficult.
So we do what capable people often do.
We take more responsibility.
We chase.
We follow up.
We anticipate.
We research.
We solve.
We create contingency plans for our contingency plans.
Sometimes that’s exactly what leadership and personal responsibility require.
But there is an invisible line between taking responsibility for what belongs to us and taking responsibility for everything.
Cross that line and something interesting happens.
The behaviour that initially gave us agency begins taking it away.
Because agency isn’t controlling every outcome.
Agency is knowing what belongs to you.
Perspective determines what we do next
Andy Andrews has written extensively about perspective, choice and personal responsibility.
One simple observation captures something important:
“Perspective is how you choose to see it.” — Andy Andrews
Perspective doesn’t mean pretending something difficult is wonderful.
It isn’t toxic positivity.
It doesn’t require us to minimise legitimate problems or convince ourselves that everything happens for a reason.
Perspective simply creates enough distance between the event and our response to ask:
Given that this is what is happening, how do I choose to respond?
That question returns us to agency.
And today, my answer was clear.
There were actions available to me.
So I took them.
I gathered the facts.
I asked questions.
I followed up.
I documented what mattered.
I advocated for myself.
Those actions were necessary.
But then came something much harder.
Stopping.
Knowing when you’ve done enough
There came a point when I had done everything available to me.
No amount of additional thinking was going to change the situation.
Checking again wouldn’t produce an answer faster.
Replaying conversations wouldn’t alter what had happened.
Trying to anticipate every possible outcome wouldn’t create certainty.
The next action belonged to somebody else.
My rational mind understood that.
My body hadn’t quite received the message.
It was still behaving as though I needed to keep solving the problem.
And this is where emotional intelligence becomes more than self-awareness.
It becomes self-leadership.
I made a conscious decision to disengage.
I put on a movie.
Nothing profound.
Nothing productive.
I simply stopped working on a problem I could no longer progress.
And gradually something shifted.
The situation hadn’t disappeared.
The outcome hadn’t suddenly become certain.
But it was no longer occupying every available part of me.
I had returned to myself.
Regulation isn’t avoidance
There is an important distinction here.
Walking away from something difficult can be avoidance.
But stepping away after you have taken the appropriate action can be regulation.
The difference is whether there is still something that genuinely belongs to you.
Avoidance says:
“I don’t want to deal with this.”
Regulation says:
“I have dealt with what I can. Continuing to engage with this right now will not improve the outcome.”
That distinction matters.
Because resilience isn’t about remaining engaged with every problem until it is completely resolved.
Sometimes we cannot resolve it.
Sometimes we have to wait.
Sometimes somebody else has to act.
Sometimes the healthiest and most emotionally intelligent thing we can do is recognise:
I have done my part.
Resilience isn’t endless endurance
This may be one of the biggest things I have changed my mind about.
For years, resilience was often celebrated as our ability to keep going.
Push through.
Stay strong.
Handle more.
Get back up.
And yes, resilience includes perseverance.
But I no longer believe resilience means proving how much we can endure.
Sometimes resilience is recognising that something is affecting us before it consumes us.
Sometimes it is asking for help.
Sometimes it is taking action.
Sometimes it is setting a boundary.
Sometimes it is saying, Enough for today.
And sometimes resilience looks remarkably unimpressive.
Sometimes it looks like putting on a movie in the middle of the day because continuing to mentally wrestle with something you cannot currently change isn’t strength.
It’s depletion.
There is enormous agency in knowing the difference.
The Agency Check
Today’s experience left me thinking about how we can create that distinction more deliberately.
So the next time something threatens to hijack your sense of control, try what I call The Agency Check.
1. FACT — What is actually happening?
Strip the situation back to what you know.
Not assumptions.
Not predictions.
Not the worst possible outcome.
What has actually happened?
Be careful here not to minimise genuine problems. Emotional intelligence isn’t pretending everything is fine.
It is seeing reality accurately.
2. FEELING — What am I experiencing?
Name what’s happening emotionally and physically.
Fear.
Anger.
Frustration.
Urgency.
Disappointment.
Tension.
Whatever it is, notice it without immediately judging it.
Your emotions contain information.
They don’t necessarily contain instructions.
3. STORY — What am I adding?
Now identify the narrative forming around the facts.
What if this happens?
This always happens to me.
Everything is going wrong.
I have to fix this immediately.
Ask yourself:
Has that actually happened, or am I predicting what might happen next?
This doesn’t mean the feared outcome is impossible.
It means a possible future event should not automatically be given the emotional weight of something that has already occurred.
4. ACTION — What belongs to me?
This is where agency becomes practical.
What can you actually do?
Make the call.
Ask the question.
Have the conversation.
Gather the information.
Set the boundary.
Ask for support.
Make the decision.
Take whatever reasonable action belongs to you.
Then take it.
Agency without action is simply awareness.
5. RELEASE — Have I done enough for now?
This may be the most important question.
Is there genuinely another useful action available?
Or are you continuing to think, check, chase, analyse and worry because uncertainty feels intolerable?
If the next action belongs to somebody else, let it belong to them.
Release isn’t surrendering the outcome.
It is surrendering the belief that constant emotional engagement gives you greater control over it.
When life feels restrictive
There have been times in my life when circumstances have felt incredibly restrictive.
Not because I had no choices.
But because important things were temporarily influenced by processes, circumstances, decisions or timelines outside my control.
That can create an uncomfortable feeling of powerlessness.
Perhaps that is why today’s experience landed so strongly.
It reminded me of something I needed to remember:
External restriction does not require internal surrender.
I may not control the decision.
I may not control the timeline.
I may not control whether somebody does what they said they would do.
But I still control something enormously important:
My next deliberate action.
And once I have taken that action, I also have the right to decide where my attention goes next.
That is not passivity.
That is self-leadership.
Reclaim what still belongs to you
I don’t know what brought you to this article.
Maybe you’re waiting for a decision.
Maybe something you thought was certain has changed.
Maybe your career looks different from the one you imagined.
Maybe a relationship has ended.
Maybe circumstances outside your control have suddenly shifted.
Maybe somebody else’s choices have affected your world.
Or perhaps you’ve reached a point where you realise you’ve spent years responding to what everyone else needed and somewhere along the way stopped asking what you needed.
Whatever brought you here, start with one question:
What is actually happening?
Separate the event from the emotion.
Separate the emotion from the prediction.
Don’t minimise a genuine problem.
But don’t give a possible future outcome the emotional authority of something that has already happened.
Then identify what belongs to you.
Take the action.
Have the conversation.
Make the decision.
Set the boundary.
Ask for help.
Change direction if necessary.
And then recognise the moment when you have done enough.
Because reclaiming your agency doesn’t mean controlling everything around you.
It means refusing to abandon yourself simply because something around you is uncertain.
You may not control the decision.
You may not control the timeline.
You may not control what somebody else does next.
But you can recognise what is happening inside you.
You can separate fact from fear.
You can choose your perspective.
You can decide what belongs to you.
You can take the next appropriate action.
And when that action is complete, you can choose not to hand the rest of your day, your identity or your future over to uncertainty.
Agency isn’t controlling the outcome. Agency is knowing what belongs to you.
That is emotional intelligence.
That is self-leadership.
That is resilience.
And sometimes reclaiming your agency begins with one deceptively simple question:
What is actually happening here?
Continue Your Resilience Journey
Reclaiming your agency isn’t a single decision. It’s something we practise through the choices we make, the questions we ask and the way we choose to respond when life doesn’t go according to plan.
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You don’t have to have everything figured out to move forward. Sometimes the next chapter begins by reclaiming ownership of the next decision.
Donna Moulds
The Resilience Movement